Thegatewaynews.com - Ballpark Frank: Cavs find final piece to title puzzle? Ha!

by Frank Aceto

Associate Sports Editor

Move over, Jim Brown.

You have just become old news.

Sure, it has been like, a zillion years since you retired from the NFL. But we Northeast Ohio residents make sure we cherish just about every one of your majestic performances at old Cleveland Municipal Stadium.

After all, thanks to you and breathtaking talents like Paul Warfield, we still keep you very close to our hearts.

Let's face it, we haven't had much to celebrate in the last 44-plus years.

That's because Brown and Co. happened to be part of the last Cleveland professional sports team that won a championship.

On Dec. 27, 1964, the appropriately named Browns blasted the Baltimore Colts 27-0 to win the NFL title.

That oh-so-wonderful contest took place in Cleveland, too.

Ah, the memories.

Now, here we are, moaning and groaning yet again as another Cleveland franchise fails to deliver.

We thought we had it this time.

The LeBron James-led Cavaliers rocked the basketball world with a league-best 66 wins, thanks to a defense so bullish and intimidating, it made Alcatraz look more like Wally World.

And then, boom!

An earthquake that measured a 9.2 on the Richter Scale crushed Cleveland again.

The latest natural disaster to strike?

The Orlando Magic?!

Yep, a Magic team that has been trying to drop its soft label ever since it became a franchise in 1989.

Orlando, thanks to a powerful yet very unpolished center in Dwight Howard, two of your typical journeymen in guards Rafer Alston and Mikael Pietrus and a grumpy, screeching coach that looks more like an insurance agent in Stan Van Gundy, whipped the Cavs in six games.

As a result, the championship drought has now reached 45 years. Unless, of course, you think a certain baseball franchise with a horrific bullpen can miraculously capture the Fall Classic in October.

Despite these neverending examples of our favorite local teams' misery, Northeast Ohio fans can finally rejoice.

Cleveland will end its infamous, and perhaps more appropriate, infinite drought in less than a year.

That's right -- C-town will, at long last, be known as title town, in about, oh, 350 days.

Why?

Because Shaq will be calling the "Mistake by the Lake" his new home.

Yes, Shaquille O'Neal.

Or, if you like to be cute, "The Diesel," "Shaq Fu," "The Big Aristotle" or the artist formerly known as "The Big Cactus."

Just about everyone calls the 7-foot-1, generously listed 325-pound behemoth the most dominant center ever to play the game.

That includes Shaq himself.

Hey, we're not looking for Mother Teresa. We want a championship. We'll worry about modesty later.

As for Cavs general manager Danny Ferry, he may have some polishing to do.

He'll want to make sure his "Executive of the Year" plaque looks really shiny in his office as his team gets ready to win Cleveland's first professional championship on the hardwood next spring.

Once again, Cleveland rocks!

I, on the other hand, have a simple response to this newfound giddiness:

Please!

The Big Aristotle recently turned 37. And he looks and plays like he's, well, Aristotle.

Sure, Shaq can score and he's still a handful for much smaller opponents near the basket.

But this is a man who never had much regard for getting back on defense, and his shooting range has never been farther than the size of a turnip.

Shaq used to be able to manhandle opposing players because of his incredible strength, surprisingly quick feet and otherworldly athleticism to jump above the rim.

These days, his feet are stuck in quicksand.

And by the time you've read this column -- and a Charles Dickens' novel or two -- "The Diesel" will have gone from one side of the court to the other.

OK, Shaq's numbers this past season still look pretty impressive.

He averaged 17.8 points and 8.4 rebounds per game and shot nearly 61 percent from the floor.

You may want to remember this, too.

The Suns didn't participate in the postseason.

When Shaq joined the team in the middle of the 2007-08 season, Phoenix deteriorated down the stretch and got bounced in the opening round of the playoffs.

Gee, prior to Shaq Fu's arrival, the Suns always seemed to make plenty of noise in the postseason.

And Shaq, never one to be confused with Mark Price, still clangs free throws with an alarming regularity. His 59.5-percent accuracy from the line actually was his highest percentage in eight years.

So here's the $64,000 question: Do you feel comfortable watching opponents use the infamous Hack-a-Shaq during a crucial playoff game?

Neither do I.

Face it, Cleveland fans, this is just too good to be true.

Shaq's impact will be minimal at best, and I'm sure that won't be enough to stop this haunting drought.

Once next season ends without the Larry O'Brien trophy in their hands, the Cavs will probably do everything they can to unload their high-priced giant.

But by then, it won't matter.

King James will be packing his bags.

E-mail: faceto@recordpub.com

Phone: 330-686-3914